March 12: Another contact from ED, he wants to talk on the phone. This is fast, I'm reluctant to do it, in my opinion it is not safe until you get to know each other better. I'm stalled, not sure how to say this to him without being insulting.
March 12: First contact from ELG who thinks I may have the qualities he is looking for: independent, kind, caring, honest, dependable and funny. I am all these things and more. To prove how humorous I can be, I tease him about his profile photos. Very bad decision--I receive a cold little reply which says he has to go out of town.
March 13: Here it comes, DANS mentions how good-looking he thinks I am. Actually, he's mentioned it a couple of times. The internet world is extremely visual-use your outstandly fabulous (and full body, clothed) photo with a compelling profile to work some online magic. There are alot of people out there, so be unique-think of it as your person marketing campaign. Then get down to the business of getting to know each other. Did you know that prospective partners are most likely to be especially truthful in this initial stage? After all, what do they have to lose? Now is the best time to use this little piece of information to ask a few revealing questions...
HORROR STORY: On another dating site, I emailed back and forth with a man whose wonderful smile and thick head of black hair caught my fancy. When we finally met for a coffee date, I walked right past him and had to be called to his table. Gone was my potential sexy mate. In his place sat a weathered-looking old man, who was missing both the teeth and the hair. I spent the first few minutes of the date struggling to keep the shock from showing on my face--his photo had to have been 15-20 years old.
Back to DANS,he wants to chat further and asks what would work. I do my usual and insist on some more email contact before anything else happens. Two or three emails seems to be a reasonable request before talking in person, enough to know what to say to each other and also enough to figure out if you are interested in going further. Because I seem to be full of information today AND just so you know, reputable internet dating sites set up anonymous email messaging onsite for you under your profile (not real) name. There is no need for any contacts to obtain any of your confidential personal information. This is a safety feature and it is wise not to mess with it until you are absolutely sure. Beware of those who try to get you to give out your home email or home phone number right away. Also, caring men with class will offer their phone numbers to you first.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
THE COFFE DATE DIARIES: FIRST CONTACTS
March 11: First contact with a man whose profile name is JO. He keeps both his profile and inital contact short and sweet. Likes my comment about part-time princes and wants "that elusive person who makes his heart skip a beat". Sweet.
March 11: Also first contact from another man who is a millwright and crafts wooden furniture as a hobby. Cool, I love wood. DANS likes the way I write, he is also a deep thinker and very articulate. We exchange some comments on our favorite woods-mine is good, solid English oak...his tastes are more exotic and in the form of figure maple, macassar ebony and osage orange.
March 11: First contact with ED, who literally writes and says: "Hello, my name is _______". Truly a man of few words. I ask for more information about him and am reminded here that men write in a more factual manner than women. However, showing some emotion on a topic would be a great way to attract attention.
After another email, it becomes clear-he is from Montreal and French is his first language. I wonder if it is true that French men are very romantic. In this second email from ED, he shares that he loves ballroom dancing and can dance all night. He is also interested what I like to do and asks what books I read. I provide some snippets of information and feel things are off to a good start.
March 11: Also first contact from another man who is a millwright and crafts wooden furniture as a hobby. Cool, I love wood. DANS likes the way I write, he is also a deep thinker and very articulate. We exchange some comments on our favorite woods-mine is good, solid English oak...his tastes are more exotic and in the form of figure maple, macassar ebony and osage orange.
March 11: First contact with ED, who literally writes and says: "Hello, my name is _______". Truly a man of few words. I ask for more information about him and am reminded here that men write in a more factual manner than women. However, showing some emotion on a topic would be a great way to attract attention.
After another email, it becomes clear-he is from Montreal and French is his first language. I wonder if it is true that French men are very romantic. In this second email from ED, he shares that he loves ballroom dancing and can dance all night. He is also interested what I like to do and asks what books I read. I provide some snippets of information and feel things are off to a good start.
Monday, June 1, 2009
THE COFFEE DATE DIARIES: MY PROFILE IS FINALLY ONLINE!
March 10-Join popular internet dating site. This site boasts more successful relationships than any other. They all do that, but this one feels different, it is well maintained and monitored closely by its individual creator. A homegrown, "personal touch" to the vast universe of the internet. Who knew?
And so it begins. My profile is posted online and is quite assertive-I omit "I like long walks on the beach at sunset" and other obvious cliches. There are no flowery words or exaggerated sentiments here; my life experiences propel me to the heart of the matter. An excerpt of my profile follows:
"...high quality, sexy, humourous woman wants to share laughter as well as tears with an emotionally healthy man. Please also be physically healty and willing to work together to resolve differences, rather than trying to "win". You will value our time together and expect some individual time apart. I will respect your traditional values and appreciate the way you truly include me in your life, rather than simply adding me to your itinerary. We will be great partners if you are honest, compassionate, respectful and share your hopes and dreams. We will get along even better if you are funny, clean, calm and dependable. This lady does not need several "part-time princes"--I desire the king of my heart. Absolutely no smokers or ancient photographs, please".
It's all about the profile. Writing an effective one is imperative. Here's the deal-I certainly didn't corner the market on profile greatness, although mine got an excellent response and was therefore effective. Expect to have a lot of people looking at your profile and not so many actually getting in touch.
Please be generous and share your thoughts/ideas with me on the best way to present your truest self without divulging too much or sounding drippy.
And so it begins. My profile is posted online and is quite assertive-I omit "I like long walks on the beach at sunset" and other obvious cliches. There are no flowery words or exaggerated sentiments here; my life experiences propel me to the heart of the matter. An excerpt of my profile follows:
"...high quality, sexy, humourous woman wants to share laughter as well as tears with an emotionally healthy man. Please also be physically healty and willing to work together to resolve differences, rather than trying to "win". You will value our time together and expect some individual time apart. I will respect your traditional values and appreciate the way you truly include me in your life, rather than simply adding me to your itinerary. We will be great partners if you are honest, compassionate, respectful and share your hopes and dreams. We will get along even better if you are funny, clean, calm and dependable. This lady does not need several "part-time princes"--I desire the king of my heart. Absolutely no smokers or ancient photographs, please".
It's all about the profile. Writing an effective one is imperative. Here's the deal-I certainly didn't corner the market on profile greatness, although mine got an excellent response and was therefore effective. Expect to have a lot of people looking at your profile and not so many actually getting in touch.
Please be generous and share your thoughts/ideas with me on the best way to present your truest self without divulging too much or sounding drippy.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
THE COFFEE DATE DIARIES: WELCOME TO MY PITY PARTY
March 8-Consult with Dating Diva. Once again I am whining to my chief confidante about LOL. I pour my heart out. I am drowning in grief and despair. This becomes the last "pity party" DD allows me to host. I am gently reminded that LOL and I read the same book, but are on very different pages. We mutually agree that he must have no further place in my life.
If one follows the logic that we get the relationships we believe we deserve, I must feel very unworthy. With some help, I know I can do better and am determined to be successful in love. My pathetic romantic life is about to get a lift. So, Diva & I begin to craft the outline for my new profile. Diva shares her extensive knowledge on writing a really engaging profile. She is generous in sharing her personal stories of dating successes and disappointments, new-age etiquette and general matters of the heart. This is a lot of information for my tiny mind to digest in one sitting, so I write it down in my own unique perspective. My dark side finds her internet dating horror stories fascinating, some of them are shared here. I will include ALL of mine as proof that real life is stranger than fiction.
p.s. if you have an internet dating horror story to share, please send it along-I would love to read it. I really do have a dark side...
If one follows the logic that we get the relationships we believe we deserve, I must feel very unworthy. With some help, I know I can do better and am determined to be successful in love. My pathetic romantic life is about to get a lift. So, Diva & I begin to craft the outline for my new profile. Diva shares her extensive knowledge on writing a really engaging profile. She is generous in sharing her personal stories of dating successes and disappointments, new-age etiquette and general matters of the heart. This is a lot of information for my tiny mind to digest in one sitting, so I write it down in my own unique perspective. My dark side finds her internet dating horror stories fascinating, some of them are shared here. I will include ALL of mine as proof that real life is stranger than fiction.
p.s. if you have an internet dating horror story to share, please send it along-I would love to read it. I really do have a dark side...
THE COFFEE DATE DIARIES: KEY PLAYERS
KEY PLAYERS:
DATING DIVA-an incredibly wise dating veteran with 15 years of countless dates under her belt, including 3 years on the internet on 5 different sites. This woman has conquered the twin kingdoms of "ManSpeak" and "ManThink". She understands men and loves communicating with them. Her compassionate, practical approach and advice are a balm for my anxious questions.
JO-newly online, his devotion to his ex-wife is both touching and terrifying to me. He has been devastated by his divorce and shares his pain openly. This man is a good choice, more than worth taking a risk for-I know it. "Love like you've never been hurt, baby". But I have, and my faith is shattered. To compound matters, my heart is stubborn and only willing to accept one true love. Yep, me and the voles and the swans, perhaps the wolves. What good is this kind of loyalty? Very few animals in nature mate for life, perhaps this is a lesson I should try harder to learn.
MR. T-Honey, it's all in the wrist. An unexpected twist has turned this man from a friend into one of the most passionate and exhilarating people I have ever met. His kindness and quick wit alternately sooth and sustain me through some very weird moments. Althought lightly packed, I do have some baggage and am struggling with mid-life issues: an empty nest, declining hormones and the death of a very special friend.
THE FRANTIC ROMANTIC-initially this was me. After an exquisitely painful and very messy divorce, I have essentially lived the life of a nun. Cloistered in a close community of girlfriends and family, the pain has lingered for a long, long time. Finally my frantic responses to those first fledgling internet dating attempts has subsided.
THE FORTUNATE ROMANTIC-me now. I realized that finding the right person to love and trust is a learned skill. With the help of great mentors and a positive attitude, I did it. I can teach you to do it, too. This is my story and the advice I can share. BUT FIRST...
LOL-LOVE OF (my) LIFE-we've all met at least one of these people. Mine was in the form of a delightfully unavailable man that I was deliriously, depressingly in love with for three years. He is emotionally immature and distant, and has viewed my heartfelt anguish with an eerie clinical detachment. LOL gleefully stomped on my romantic dreams for him and crushed my self esteem. He is mentally/verbally cruel-I bet he pulls the legs off spiders. However, he is also wickedly funny and incredibly charming when he has something to gain.
Anyway, the thing about LOL's is that they teach us about life: about not getting the person we so desperately long for and gracefully accepting the disappointment (this means no stalking)...about gathering our tattered cloak of self-esteem around us and moving on. Most importantly, they teach us how to make the definitive choice between healthy vs. unhealthy relationships when we begin that long, solitary swim toward shore. It's only fitting then, to begin with (fortunately for me), "the one that got away".
DATING DIVA-an incredibly wise dating veteran with 15 years of countless dates under her belt, including 3 years on the internet on 5 different sites. This woman has conquered the twin kingdoms of "ManSpeak" and "ManThink". She understands men and loves communicating with them. Her compassionate, practical approach and advice are a balm for my anxious questions.
JO-newly online, his devotion to his ex-wife is both touching and terrifying to me. He has been devastated by his divorce and shares his pain openly. This man is a good choice, more than worth taking a risk for-I know it. "Love like you've never been hurt, baby". But I have, and my faith is shattered. To compound matters, my heart is stubborn and only willing to accept one true love. Yep, me and the voles and the swans, perhaps the wolves. What good is this kind of loyalty? Very few animals in nature mate for life, perhaps this is a lesson I should try harder to learn.
MR. T-Honey, it's all in the wrist. An unexpected twist has turned this man from a friend into one of the most passionate and exhilarating people I have ever met. His kindness and quick wit alternately sooth and sustain me through some very weird moments. Althought lightly packed, I do have some baggage and am struggling with mid-life issues: an empty nest, declining hormones and the death of a very special friend.
THE FRANTIC ROMANTIC-initially this was me. After an exquisitely painful and very messy divorce, I have essentially lived the life of a nun. Cloistered in a close community of girlfriends and family, the pain has lingered for a long, long time. Finally my frantic responses to those first fledgling internet dating attempts has subsided.
THE FORTUNATE ROMANTIC-me now. I realized that finding the right person to love and trust is a learned skill. With the help of great mentors and a positive attitude, I did it. I can teach you to do it, too. This is my story and the advice I can share. BUT FIRST...
LOL-LOVE OF (my) LIFE-we've all met at least one of these people. Mine was in the form of a delightfully unavailable man that I was deliriously, depressingly in love with for three years. He is emotionally immature and distant, and has viewed my heartfelt anguish with an eerie clinical detachment. LOL gleefully stomped on my romantic dreams for him and crushed my self esteem. He is mentally/verbally cruel-I bet he pulls the legs off spiders. However, he is also wickedly funny and incredibly charming when he has something to gain.
Anyway, the thing about LOL's is that they teach us about life: about not getting the person we so desperately long for and gracefully accepting the disappointment (this means no stalking)...about gathering our tattered cloak of self-esteem around us and moving on. Most importantly, they teach us how to make the definitive choice between healthy vs. unhealthy relationships when we begin that long, solitary swim toward shore. It's only fitting then, to begin with (fortunately for me), "the one that got away".
THE COFFE DATE DIARIES: INSIDE INTERNET DATING
This blog is for those nice people who are truly looking for love on the internet. If you are not nice or not truly searching, I have just one thing to say...may you never make it past the first date. Otherwise, my blog is dedicated to the brave souls who have posted profiles online. It is also a completely acceptable form of dating, Mom. And quite safe, Dad.
ALSO DEDICATED TO:
DATING DIVA and DDD (Dating Diva's Darling): Thanks for your patience and good humour. You are wise coaches and wonderful friends.
JO: Thanks for teaching me my first real internet dating lessons; I hope your heart has healed.
MY SONS: For understanding and not once saying "Eeeeeeeew!". Although I bet you thought it. Remember I changed your diapers, so now it's "payback" time!
*watch for a special dedication near the end of this blog*
BACK BY OVERWHELMED RESPONSE:
I have been a single mom and avid corporate ladder climber for 16 years. Last year, with my kids leaving home I felt the need to focus on my personal life and took it online. This is my third bona fide attempt and for the record, I have come a long way from the previous year's internet dating virgin who burst into tears and hid from an avalanche of response on one of the top three internet dating sites.
Now I've returned on a different dating site which reminds me that life is just one big pond. However, I am a seasoned cyber siren, determined to find my "sole" mate.
This blog is for those nice people who are truly looking for love on the internet. If you are not nice or not truly searching, I have just one thing to say...may you never make it past the first date. Otherwise, my blog is dedicated to the brave souls who have posted profiles online. It is also a completely acceptable form of dating, Mom. And quite safe, Dad.
ALSO DEDICATED TO:
DATING DIVA and DDD (Dating Diva's Darling): Thanks for your patience and good humour. You are wise coaches and wonderful friends.
JO: Thanks for teaching me my first real internet dating lessons; I hope your heart has healed.
MY SONS: For understanding and not once saying "Eeeeeeeew!". Although I bet you thought it. Remember I changed your diapers, so now it's "payback" time!
*watch for a special dedication near the end of this blog*
BACK BY OVERWHELMED RESPONSE:
I have been a single mom and avid corporate ladder climber for 16 years. Last year, with my kids leaving home I felt the need to focus on my personal life and took it online. This is my third bona fide attempt and for the record, I have come a long way from the previous year's internet dating virgin who burst into tears and hid from an avalanche of response on one of the top three internet dating sites.
Now I've returned on a different dating site which reminds me that life is just one big pond. However, I am a seasoned cyber siren, determined to find my "sole" mate.
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